83. Rewind Episode | Changing Fear Into Confidence with Melisa Chiranky Bozich

What if fear isn't actually protecting you… but just stealing your time and energy?

In this rewind episode of Lead Into It, I'm revisiting my conversation with Melissa Chiranky Bozich about something most of us have dealt with at some point: fear, self-doubt, overthinking, and worrying way too much about what other people think.

Melissa has an incredible background in dance, including performing as a Dallas Stars Ice Girl, dancing for the Dallas Mavericks, and eventually becoming a captain. But what makes her story especially interesting from a leadership perspective is how she took some difficult experiences early in her career and used them to intentionally shape the kind of leader she wanted to become.

We talk about confidence, anxiety, comparison, performance pressure, and the stories we create in our own heads. Melissa also shares how she learned to separate facts from assumptions, recognize what was really underneath her fear, and use simple mindset practices to build confidence.

And there's a leadership lesson running through the entire conversation: you don't get to choose every experience you have, but you do get to choose what you do with them.

Whether you're trying to build confidence, overcome fear, stop overthinking, become a better leader, or simply get out of your own head, I think this conversation is worth another listen.

In This Episode:

• Why fear can get way too much credit—and how it can quietly steal our time, energy, and confidence
• Melissa's journey from lifelong dancer to Dallas Stars Ice Girl, Dallas Mavericks dancer, and professional dance team captain
• How a difficult experience as a rookie influenced the way Melissa chose to lead others
• The pressure, comparison, anxiety, and self-doubt that can come with competitive performance environments
• How Melissa learned to distinguish what she actually knew from what she was assuming
• Why worrying about what other people think can keep us stuck
• The mindset shift behind the idea that what other people think of me is none of my business
• How Melissa created dance classes where people could feel welcomed, supported, and confident rather than pressured to be perfect
• The evolution from teaching dance in person to creating virtual classes and launching an online business with her partner, Noah
• How Melissa balances entrepreneurship, choreography, teaching, and a full-time career
• What Melissa learned about leadership and responsibility as a captain
• How self-awareness and recovery work helped Melissa better understand the root of her anxiety and fear
• Why fear can distort our perception of what's actually happening
• How focusing on joy, energy, and connection can matter more than getting every move perfect
• Melissa's simple confidence mantra and how she uses it before performing

Thanks for listening!! Let’s keep the conversation going: Connect with me on Instagram and LinkedIn, or subscribe to my weekly newsletter. Excited to be here with you!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You're listening to episode 83 of the Lead Into a Podcast. Hello and welcome back to another episode of Lead Into It. I'm your host, Sarah Greco. I don't know about you, but sometimes I think fear gets way more credit than it deserves. We worry about what people think of us, we replay conversations in our heads, we assume someone is upset with us, disappointed in us, or talking about us, even when we have absolutely no proof that any of those things are true. And before we know it, we're spending precious time reacting to a story we've created in our own heads. That's one of the reasons I wanted to bring back this conversation. So in this free wind episode, I'm revisiting the conversation I had with Melissa Trenkibocich. And there are so many lessons in this conversation that still stick with me today. We talked about confidence, self-doubt, fear, and the tendency to worry about what other people think. We also talked about leadership and how our own experiences, especially the difficult ones, shaped the kind of leader we become. One of my favorite parts of this conversation was hearing Melissa talk about becoming a captain for her dance ice hockey team and intentionally leading her teammates differently because of some of the experiences she had as a rookie. Instead of passing along the same behavior, she used those experiences as a reason to do better. And I think that there's a really important leadership lesson in that. We don't get to choose every experience we have, but we do get to choose what we do with them. So whether you're working on your own confidence, trying to get out of your own head, or thinking about how your experiences are shaping the leader you're becoming, I think you'll get something out of this one. Let's get into it. Melissa, I am so excited to talk to you. It's been a while since I've seen you. And I have to tell you, I miss your dance class so much. It was such a like inspirational thing.

SPEAKER_01 1:42

Oh my gosh, I miss you too. You should come to class. Um yeah, not mine. But yeah, oh my gosh, it's been a wild year just with everything shutting down and then all the restrictions. And um, I mean, it's just been crazy for everybody. So, but yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:01

I'm so excited that you asked me to be on. Yeah, I love your background. I love kind of where you're going. Um, just really quick for the audience. So Melissa has a dance class over at Class Studios now in Dallas. And I originally went to one of her classes because, and I'll let her explain the dance class a little bit, but I went to one of her classes and I loved it because my friend Maggie, who also is uh at class studios, posted it on her Instagram and it just looked like so much fun. So I went up like at the same time with a bunch of coworkers, uh, a couple, I think it was like two years ago. And then Melissa was awesome enough to do like a team builder with my new set of office mates that I had, and it was so much fun. It was so great. Melissa, why don't you go into a little bit of your background and introduce yourself to the audience?

SPEAKER_01 2:52

Okay. Um, so my name is Melissa Cherenki Bozic, which is a mouthful, but um, MCB for short now, but I have been dancing my entire life. It's always been a part of my life, along with that like team sport kind of mentality. Um, and after college, I was a member of the Dallas Stars Ice Girls and then the Dallas Mavericks dancers. And actually, what's so funny is I took a few years off um during college. I did not dance um at all, really. I don't I I went to a few dance classes, but that was it. But I missed dance so much, and so I decided to try out for some pro teams. And I was never so I wound up being a captain on stars. Oh wow, that's amazing. It was really cool. Um, and I only say that because I was never the best dancer on the team, you know what I mean? On any of the teams I've ever been on. And I think if you're a dancer and you've danced in the professional realm at all, um, or really in any type of like dance team environment, you're never the best one in the room, right? Um, and so me personally, with my I am not really anymore, but I used to have a lot more, I guess, anxiety than I do now. And I would get so upset and I would take things really personally. And there was just a lot of pressure and stress that comes along with that, even though truly those five years were like the best years of my life. Like, you know what I mean? They were amazing, amazing years. But on the flip side of the coin, there was like constant pressure, constant stress, constant anxiety. And so that kind of overshadowed the um dance aspect of it, I guess. Um, and so when I decided to retire, you know, yes, my life was a lot more stress-free, but I so, so missed like dancing all the time and having a group of women or men, you know what I mean, that supported each other and that pushed each other and you know, all of that. So I this is very, it was actually this whole kind of journey with my classes has been one of the most organic things I've ever experienced. Um, and so it's funny because with that comes a lot of other stuff, but that I'm sure we'll get into later. But um I was at a fitness ambassadors event. So because I missed this like team camaraderie, I decided to join the fitness ambassadors um in Dallas. And we had a group like bar class at Extend, which is the studio that I wound up working at. Um, and the owner of the studio was friends with somebody that I danced with on stars. And so she was like, Hey, aren't you friends with so-and-so? And, you know, we're looking to have a dance class here. Um, because they did all different types of classes at that studio. And so she was like, Would you want to try it? And my immediate, I wanted to do it so bad, but my immediate reaction was like, nobody would come to a dance class that I yeah, and it was just like all of those years of putting myself down in my own head through dancing of like you're the worst one here. And I was never the worst dancer on the team, but that's like what I told myself, right? Because I feel like when you're in your early 20s and you're constantly comparing yourself to others, and like it just gets very stressful and it has an impact, right? So that was my first thing. So I actually told the studio owner, I was like, I'll do it, but I don't want to like I don't want to make any promises that this is gonna be a big hit and oh yeah, let's just do like five classes and see how it goes. And so that was the original plan was we're gonna test this out for five classes. If it books up or at least has, you know, maybe like 60 to 75% of the room is filled, will continue on afterwards. Um, and I think after my first or second class, I started like selling out, you know, the week before my class started, which was really incredible to me. Um, because it just kind of, I wasn't even like seeking it out. It was just kind of an opportunity that I was like, okay, I'll try it. Um, and I really didn't think it was gonna go anywhere. Um, but yeah, and that just turned into, I mean, it wasn't sold out every week, but I mean, I taught there for just about a year. It was packed. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:51

Like even if it wasn't sold out, it was like you, it was definitely pre-COVID times. Like we were really close to one another, and it's unusually uh incredible group of people.

SPEAKER_01 8:03

Oh, yeah. So, and I don't know how I got so lucky to have just like the coolest people coming to my class, just so supportive and so encouraging. And I think, you know, I really wanted that environment. Like that was really important to me because there are a lot of dance classes, not just in Dallas, but nationally, that you go to and it's competitive, man. It's like people are elbowing each other to get to the front of the room. Like people are circled up talking about other people. And I mean, the dance industry, there's just so few opportunities for everybody. And there it's so like there's so many people in the industry that it just gets really competitive. Um, and not all of that is catty, it's just kind of how it is. And so I really wanted to make sure that like my class was just for fun and it was for people that maybe they felt insecure and they wanted to have a safe place to come and just party, you know what I mean? And maybe learn how to become a better dancer, or even if it was just for the workout, you know what I mean? I knew all different people would have all different motives for coming in the room. So um I wanted to make it supportive and welcoming for everybody, and I think that's just the energy that I like put into it and just kind of grew from there. So I've been really lucky in that aspect. So I don't know, it just all kind of happened. It just all kind of fell in my lap. It's so bizarre. Um, and then, you know, about a year later, the opportunity to teach at class came to me, um, which was amazing. So that first year, actually, we got nominated for the studio hop like best. Right. I remember that. It was wild. And I didn't win, but like that doesn't even matter to me. It was like the fact that in Dallas, which is such a huge fitness town, you know, like everybody's into studios. There's so many great options for that. And the fact that like I was nominated for that just kind of blew my mind. Um so Paige at Class Studios is one of my good friends, and she's the owner of Preston Center. And she had, you know, mentioned at an event, she was like, So we're opening the second studio, and it has a space that would be really good for a dance class if you're interested. And I was just like, oh my God, yes, I'd love to come work for you guys. And it also would really help my students too, because number one, a lot of them were already members at class or instructors at class, right? Yes. Um, and then also the room is so much bigger at class than it was at Extend. So that was great. So I, you know, kept bugging her until they opened the lab at Preston Center. And we started there in February of 2020, and then everything shut down. So um, which was wild. But we were, you know, selling out 50-person classes for a month and a half until COVID shut down every gym. So, you know, we're doing what we can. We have like 50% capacity, or maybe it's 25. I don't know. It's like 2030, maybe.

SPEAKER_00 11:15

Well, I think it's like what do you have like 16 people in a class now versus the 50?

SPEAKER_01 11:21

Yes, yes. So it's like around 30, I think. Yeah. But yeah, so it's just like things have taken a step back, but it's also a really good advantage for for other things, like starting a virtual class, which is cool. But yeah, basically that's kind of like my journey with um class, and we're still going strong.

SPEAKER_00 11:46

So and I would like to say that I know you keep saying that you're lucky, but you are not lucky because you work hard. Yeah. I see the energy that you put into these classes, and it's uh, I don't know if it's new choreography, but it's usually like diverse choreography every several weeks. And um she teaches it so well. And the energy that Melissa brings to the class is always like just bring your whole self. Who cares what anyone's looking looks like? If you feel confident, it's the greatest. So you leave, you enter the class, you're like, I'm not sure. And then you get like four or five times into the choreography, and you're like, yeah, I'm a sexy bee. Like, what is happening? I'm doing this. So you just make everyone feel more confident. I think that energy is what brings people to your class as well as the fun and the professionalism and the amount of effort that you put into the choreography itself with the music. So it's so fun. So if you're in Dallas, definitely go. Uh, class has an online option, and then I think they still do, right? Yes, yeah. Um, and then you're starting your own thing.

SPEAKER_01 12:56

Yes. Oh my gosh. So that's actually been crazy and wild and organic too. Um so okay, so I'll start this by like in the fall of 2019, so I had only been teaching for like maybe eight months-ish. Um, it was like October. So I had a girl, my friend, Kyla, she came to one of my classes and she came right up to me after class and she was like, I know you don't know me, but I know this guy that could really help you like with marketing. And I was just like, uh, whatever. Like, I don't, I didn't really want to talk to him. Just because you know, you get the runaround from like all these salespeople. And like Kylo was super, super sweet. And she was like, no, trust me, you like have to go meet with him. And I was just like, okay, let's let's do it then. So I met with him and he basically pitched me this idea of doing an online course where every week people would get new choreography, and he was actually pitching me from the agency perspective of like trying to get me as a client. And at the time, I just really did not have the budget, right? Um, I was like, I would love to do this. And then also I was kind of in the back of my head again, and I asked Noah this, and his name's Noah, my partner, and I asked in the meeting, I was like, who would want to do this like for me? Like, who am I to come out with this? And again, there's this whole theme of like, I was not believing in myself through this process, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 14:38

It's just me.

SPEAKER_01 14:40

Um, but I um I was just kind of like, who would want to do that? So um we tabled it because I was like, I don't have a budget, you know, for to like put in, you know, all this money towards marketing every month. And so then February or March happened of 2020. So 2020 hits, all the studios close, and we go home and um I start doing Zoom classes. Well, first we did it on the class studios Vimeo, um, and we were getting crazy numbers because I was promoting it on my Instagram, and now rather than just like, okay, people in Dallas, it was anyone. Yep, I remember that. And it was free, and it was like anybody could come. Um, also, it was like a lot of people who had been too scared to come to class could now try it at home. Um, and so we, I mean, we had crazy numbers, and so I wound up emailing Noah and I was like, hey, so I'm ready to go because actually people do want to do this. Um, but it's kind of funny, right? So it everything shutting down kind of became this huge blessing. So we wound up getting started together, and Noah was like, um, I want to go in on this with you. And so we decided to become business partners, and now I, you know, own a company, which is crazy. Congratulations. That's amazing. Um, and we're getting more and more members every day. I mean, I have right now, I think the last time, hold on, let me pull it up. The last time I checked, well, I'll check right now. Okay. We have 115 members. And you just started this, right? Uh so it's only been one month. Um, the 15th is when we launched our website. So it's really exciting. Um, and December 15th. And I things are only gonna go up from here. We have a lot of things in the works, but um I I'm like shook. It's just been so crazy. The whole thing from start to finish is nuts.

SPEAKER_00 16:48

I all of this is amazing because it's interesting how life throws you exactly what you need, but you didn't even know you needed it. And then it's like, here's a tragedy or a pandemic that is just epically changing. And it's like, well, but here, like this will actually open up doors that you never thought existed or that you closed, and actually you need to open back up.

SPEAKER_01 17:11

Oh, totally. It's been the most bizarre thing is all of this, I feel like, has just fallen in my lap. And it's funny because you say I work so hard. I do work insanely hard. It's absurd the amount of work that I do. Like I have a full-time job during the day. That's insane. I didn't, I was wondering that. Yeah. Um, so I work during the day in sales and advertising sales for um CBS radio. Okay. So, which has also been wild during the pandemic because no one's been in their car. So, you know, that's what I do during the day. And then I teach my class weekly still. So I'm having to come up with the choreography for that, film it, which 2021 has not been my best with filming and putting up combos, but usually I try to film the combo and post it on my Instagram so that people can see. And then I teach Thursday night. And then on top of that, now I'm adding in everything that comes with a new business, right? So my partner handles all of the marketing, but for me, it's all of the creative content, it's all of, you know, now I'm dealing with customer service, which hopefully we plan to hire somebody, you know, later on, but right now we're still in that building phase. So it's like I'm doing customer service. So anytime anybody asks a question, which we're putting ads out to so many people. So I'm getting a lot of questions and adding that on, and then trying to post content and trying to figure all of it out about like, okay, so I also am prom I need to make clear the differentiation between the in-studio classes and online classes. So it's just wild, but it's been so exciting. Um, and and I'm really jazzed about it. So I Izzed.

unknown 18:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:59

Like it. Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out too, you know, how to bring that energy that I think is so important to my in-person classes. Um, and that I think, like you said, drives people there. Um, I'm trying to figure out how to bring that to an online platform, right? Where there's not a room full of people spinning in your view and there's not, you know, I'm not jab, like jumping in in the middle and giving an inspiring talk in the middle, and you know what I mean? Um, because normally like when I do that in class, I read the energy of the room and I'm like, okay, how are people feeling? If they are feeling like if I'm seeing people concentrating too hard, or if they look like they can't do this one part, like that's what I'm going to approach the class with, right? Yeah. Um, so I don't just use like blanket things to every class. So I'm starting to kind of like record clips of tips and tricks and ways to get involved, and we're coming up with like community, like we have a Facebook group, and all of that stuff is kind of in the works too. So it's just been like really, really cool. I can't believe it.

SPEAKER_00 20:06

That's amazing. I love how this kind of all developed. I do want to go back to your star days really quick, because you talked about you being a captain. So how is that, how is that selection process and how was it being the captain of a dance team for a pro team?

SPEAKER_01 20:24

Yeah, it's pretty crazy um when like you think of it like that. Uh you being on the on any pro team, and I'm sure like pro athletes feel like this too, it's just your life, right? So it doesn't seem like anything special when you're going through it. Um, but sometimes I do look back and like I I talk to Nick about it all the time. I'm like, that was my life for like a long time. Like I was in the professional sports like world. Like I was, you know, at the highest level of an athlete that you could go in the dance world, you know. Um just other than in that genre, right? Um, and so it's pretty crazy, but the selection process for that is basically over your tenure, they just kind of pick people who have leadership strength, I think. I was, like I said, I was never the best dancer on the team, you know, but I think that I was really positive, or I hope to think that I was positive and encouraging to my teammates. And um, I think a lot of the stress that I went through um in my early years on those teams contributed to like my outlook when I was a more senior vet. And so I really made sure to be careful when I was talking to rookies and not put anybody down and make sure that everybody knew what they were doing. So I think, you know, being on the opposite side of it for so long, it gave me the experience to kind of go, okay, when I was a rookie, my captains had approached me this way instead of this way. I probably would have felt better about. The things that I was hearing, you know? So um I think that really helped. And, you know, they just kind of make the selection, like they just kind of announce it at practice when you've been there for a long time.

SPEAKER_00 22:12

So what was one thing that you would try to make sure and help out with the rookies or maybe do to bring the team together?

SPEAKER_01 22:21

So that's actually funny. I'm trying to like be like say this in a very neutral way, like PC about it. When I was a rookie, and actually through the whole the the ice girls, there's not a lot of like figure skaters in Dallas, right? Yeah. Um, just injection in Texas, ice hockey and figure skating wasn't very big when I was growing up. So you have all these dancers at auditions and not a lot of skaters, right? And so basically, when you audition as a dancer, they make sure to cross-train you so that in your second year on the team, you can do both, right? So you can be down on the ice and also dance on the platform. Yeah. And so my first time going down on the ice, you're terrified because you're at the American Airlines Center during a pro game and it's there's 20,000 people watching you. Um and if you're not a figure skater and you just learned how to skate in like, you know, eight months or whatever, you're just terrified. And on top of that, there are very, very strict rules. Um, like the I everything at all of these games, Cowboys, Mavs, Stars, is precisely timed out with the television schedule, which like even you don't really think about it at all, but like the ice girls in particular, they have to clean that whole sheet of ice in under two minutes. Um, because if the TV break, it's called a TV timeout. If the TV timeout's over and you're still out on the ice, then they can't start the game. Yeah. Right. So then that results in the stars getting a fine from the network because they're going over. Wow. Yeah, the fine's like 10 grand. Like it's absurd. So you have all this pressure. You have to get every single bit of snow up because so when the guys skate around, they create what snow, right? Because their edges are digging into the ice. And so um, you're essentially shoveling the snow off the ice is your job. And if you leave any and there's a call where, like, perhaps somebody shoots the puck and it's going on the ice and it slows down and the goalie is able to catch it because there was snow on the ice, those are like controversial calls, right? Oh wow. I have no idea. Yeah. So like you can actually affect the play of the game, which is why sometimes when they have like big, big games, um, they'll use the NHL ice crews that are like really, really hardcore. Um, you have to do all of this and you have to do it in under two minutes. So getting to the point of that whole thing. Um when I was a rookie, my first time on the ice, I was getting screamed at by some of my veterans because I was leaving snow because I was so terrified that I would like go out on the ice and I would like black out. And so I like wasn't doing it properly, right? And so, you know, I'd get back in the tunnel and our captain at the time was screaming in my face and like pounding on the glass and showing me everywhere that I screwed up. Um, and I just was like, I didn't hear that very well. So rather than, you know, being constructive, I got my feelings hurt a lot. And it's just lots of situations like that, you know what I mean, where it could, the delivery could have been a lot more professional, a lot more encouraging, as in like, you don't suck. Um, but here is what you could do better, you know. So I think I took that into my time as a captain and I really tried with the rookies like to work with them one-on-one. Like I, you know, rather than just yelling at them that they were doing it wrong, I would say, let's go up to the star center an hour before practice and we can work on your skating forms so you're not falling everywhere when you try to skate. So just using the things that I learned to kind of help others was very important to me. Um, and I wasn't perfect at it, but I think that's, you know, where I really tried to use the experiences, the negative experiences that I had to make it more positive for somebody else.

SPEAKER_00 26:20

Yeah. And that's that's exactly what a leader should do. So I like, and the fact that you recognize that you weren't perfect as a leader means that you probably were a really good leader because that means that you recognize you had a lot of self-awareness, which is something that some bad leaders don't recognize. So having the self-awareness is huge, and that gives you a lot more guidance on how to guide others and help them along.

SPEAKER_01 26:48

I think self-awareness is key for everybody, and that is something that I really, really I I will say I am proud of myself. I have really good self-awareness. Like a very goes on sometimes to a fault, but um yeah, it's it's sometimes I overthink things, but overall I think I have a pretty good grasp on on how I am as a human most of the time.

SPEAKER_00 27:10

So you brought up overthinking. I did want to dive a little bit into your you were talking about your anxiety. Do you mind diving into that a little bit? No, not at all. Okay. So what did it kind of feel like and how have you learned to overcome it or recognize it over the past year, couple years?

SPEAKER_01 27:29

Okay, so this is so this is so complex, this answer, because there's a lot of, but I'll try to I'll try to keep it short. There's a lot of things after my I guess dance career was over, I started drinking a lot. Um, and I wound up getting sober, so going into treatment, getting into recovery, actually the same year that I started teaching dance, which is wild. Um, and do that when you get into recovery, there's so much work that you do on yourself. Um, and it's funny because I use the term anxiety like lightly because I'm not clinically diagnosed or anything like that. But what was happening is the way that I look at things now, after working the 12 steps, it teaches you to be self-aware, right? It teaches you to be in tune with how you're making other people feel, in tune with how you're feeling and getting to the core motives of why I'm feeling like this, right? And that's what's really been the key is um I used to get very overwhelmed by emotions, right? And so if I felt anxious, it was never what is at the root of my anxiety, right? And so this doesn't really apply to people with like clinical anxiety. Obviously, you want to go see a doctor, you want to get treatment, like don't take my word for it, you know. But I wound up learning that a lot of the reasons why I was upset came from selfishness, right? And so, like, let's use that example of the girl yelling at me about me leaving my snow, right? I would go into kind of a spiral for a long time where I would just beat myself up and feel terrible about myself. And at the end of the day, I was consumed with fear about what she thought about me. Right. That's what that's what it was at the core, right? It's what does she think about me? And if she she thinks this way and she's a senior vet, then do all the other senior vets feel this way about me too? Like I bet they're all talking crap about me. And you know what I mean? So that that really would launch into like my anxiety and I would get paranoid and like it was really bad. Um, and that's just a small example, but you know, attacking the motive, like why do I feel this way? Okay. And the solution to that for me now is okay, if that situation happened today, of course it would hurt my feelings because I'm a human, right? Um, but stopping that spiral comes down to, okay, Melissa, why are you still thinking about this five hours later? Yeah. Rather than it just hurting my feelings and me being like, wow, that person's pretty rude, and then moving on. It's my fear of what others think about me. And then also it's like me thinking that everybody's obsessed with me and talking about me. Like your selfishness, right? So it comes down to like selfishness and fear. And at the end of the day, um, what she thinks about me or anybody is none of my business, right? Um, and so that has really helped in just like all areas of my life because what other people thought about me was a very big concern until 2017, right? And that's okay. I think I was like in my early 20s. I was figuring it out, you know? Um, and I think a lot of people go through that. So I just, you know, being aware of motives today is key, right? So not just like, oh, I feel sad. Ah, oh my God, I'm scared. It's like, okay, Melissa, why are you so upset about this? Like, are you making this a way bigger deal than it needs to be? Because people probably aren't talking about you 24 hours later. And if they are, then that's sad for them, you know what I mean? So I of course I still get my feelings hurt. I still, you know, think about things too much sometimes and overthink stuff. But at the end of the day, my fear is not going to accomplish anything. Right. All fear does is it steals time. Yes. Right. It steals time from my job, from dance, from my husband, from my family. Like it steals valuable time that I could be spending either thinking about or doing something else, right? I'm sitting there in that fear. So that's kind of, I hope that answers the question.

SPEAKER_00 31:52

Oh, definitely. And I can completely relate to this. I I agree, I'm not diagnosed with anxiety or any of the sort, but a fear of what people think is huge for me. Like, I think over the past couple of years, I heard that quote that you said, which is what other things other people think of me as none of my business. And that has really changed the way of how I process things because I do agree. I I think I was like bullied in middle school. So it was where it was like, oh, I'm going back to middle school. I'm like, Sarah, you are not middle school anymore. This is ridiculous. And just have this fear of people are just like constantly talking about you, or and it's very much in the negative. And you're just, it's goes round and round in your head. But the what you're talking about, that method of like, okay, well, why am I thinking that they're talking about me? Why am I thinking? Like, what is actually happening? And embracing whatever emotion that you're feeling, let yourself feel it in that moment and then move on is such a huge process change for me because I would let it eat at me. And it eats at you. It's just like, yeah, you're around that person, you're like, oh my gosh, they're thinking horrible things about me. I must go away or just like shrink myself to non-existence.

SPEAKER_01 33:13

It steals time, it steals things. Yeah. 100%. I think too, a lot of it is assumptions, right? And that's something that helps me too. Is like, am I assuming this or do I know for a fact? Right. And I will say 95, probably 99% of the time, I'm making assumptions. I'm assuming that this person thinks this of me, or I'm assuming that this person is talking about me, or I'm assuming, right? Because I don't actually know. And so at the end of the day, I am making myself crazy over an assumption and something that I don't even know if that's reality or not, right? So it's affecting me and nobody else. And it's all based on something that I made up in my head.

SPEAKER_00 33:57

Yes. I, oh my gosh. I now I'm like, okay, well, what's the worst case scenario? Okay, so they hate me today. Uh, well, if I go under the assumption, they haven't talked to me about this. So I'm assuming like they haven't brought it up. They haven't brought up a situation where they are angry at me. I'm just gonna go under the assumption now that they aren't or they don't hate me, and then push through with that instead. And nine times out of ten, I would say like they actually weren't. They were probably consumed by something else going on in their life. And it's just it's a complete, it's that narrative in your head that's just really loud. It's like, okay, realistically, what could this actually look like?

SPEAKER_01 34:37

Yes. Yes. And I just feel like with enough experience, like if you look at things that have happened, eventually learn it, right? Because I remember my first job after dance, I worked for um Smart City Apartment Locating, and it was like my first week, and I was sitting in my car and I was getting ready to go to lunch, and I we had to parallel park, which I'm terrible at. Like barely tapped the car behind me. And I sat in my car for I'm gonna say, I don't know, 30 to 45 minutes, panicking. What do I do? Do I go in and do I say, oh my God, I tapped someone's car, like whose car is it? Because I just started this job and I was like, everyone's gonna think I'm an idiot. Yep. And so finally I did it. I go inside after all this time, like debating and being like, oh my God, well, you can't just drive off because that's terrible. And I go in and the person comes out whose car it was and looks at it and sees the scratch that I saw that I thought I caused, and they were like, oh, that's been there for two years. Don't worry about it. You didn't know. God, I wasted at least 30 minutes of that work day totally just in fear, paralyzed, thinking that everybody would hate me when nothing was even wrong. Like, literally nothing happened. I didn't, you know what I mean? I should have just walked in and say, like, hey, can someone look at their car? Right. Um, but instead, I I wasted all of this time. And so I just, there's lots of little experiences like that that have happened that are just like, Melissa, stop being so scared of other people. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 36:14

Yeah, it's like eating. They're human too. Yeah. Through these experiences, what have you decided to bring to your dance classes based on those? Oh my gosh, that's a really good question.

SPEAKER_01 36:26

So I think I have a unique story in the way. I guess not really story, background is more kind of what I'm trying to explain. Um, coming from someone who experienced a lot of fear and cared way too much about what people thought of me and wasted a lot of time in my head about that stuff. Um, and I saw how it affected my dancing. Um, like I am a much better dancer now than when I was on any of those teams. You know, I was I was great, I was a great dancer, but I would let my fear of messing up or what other people thought really affect my performance. Um, and so I have a very easy way of recognizing when other people are in fear, right? And like I can see it all over a dancer's face when they're in fear, um, even if they're faking it. I'm like, I know, girl, you're terrified. So I think I bring that, like I think it's a really great background to actually have because I can empathize with that and I can go, okay, stop the class, let's all chill out for a second. Y'all are I can feel the energy in here. Y'all are all getting in your head, which is really gonna separate you from any type of fun experience, you know. If you're worried the whole time about one movement that you keep messing up, like there's always a certain for every dancer, there's always one part of the combo that like your brain just doesn't gel with. Um I really encourage people, once you find that part of the combination, take it out and do something else. You know, try it four or five times and you are just like, you know, blanking out when you come to that section every time. Do something different and then catch back on with us when we're done. You know, and I welcome that and I really spotlight people who do that because that's what I want people to do. You know, my class is not an audition. I'm not judging people is doing my choreography the best. I'm not judging is a harsh word, but like I'm looking at my students and going, okay, who is bringing like their own individual style to it? Who's being a smart dancer, who is going, okay, this isn't working in my body. It might work great in Melissa's body, but in mine it feels awkward. So I'm gonna do this other thing. And I really appreciate when people do that. And so that's what I spotlight in class rather than like who did my choreography the best? You know?

SPEAKER_00 38:52

Um It's true though. You um, I remember the first class I went to, you highlighted uh Meredith. And she's uh she was a I worked with her, and so I knew who she was, and you split people up into groups so that there's plenty, there's more space, but it also gives each person a chance to see the other group, see what other people are doing. But you highlighted her because you were like, my eyes were drawn to her because of the energy she brought. And you were like, she didn't do all the choreography 100% correct. That wasn't it, but she looked like she was enjoying herself. And I thought that was an interesting point to bring up, especially during a dance class, because I'm like, I didn't get the choreography right. This person in front of me better. And then after that, I was like, well, screw this. I'm just gonna do what makes me feel good.

SPEAKER_01 39:42

And it was so much more fun, yes, and that's like the point, right? Yeah. And I always remind my students of that every single class. I'm always like, okay, why did you come here? Did you come here to do the choreography perfect, or did you come here to learn some dance, get a good workout, have a ton of fun, and then maybe get a cute video for Instagram? And I'm like, spoiler alert, unless you're dancing next to somebody in your Instagram video, like no one's gonna know. Yeah. You're doing it differently than the way I taught it. You know what I mean? So I'm like, I really love it when people make my choreography their own and maybe add different styles to it or, you know, do their own thing. That's what I want to see, you know, is like creativity and self-exploration and competence. You know, I would much rather see somebody do everything wrong, but be really confident and having fun than see somebody that's perfect, you know. So yeah, that's totally the way I approach it. I'm glad that that's your that was your experience. Cause yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:45

Well, and just to give everyone in the audience an example, the uh team that I was on that uh Melissa did a team builder with, there was a very wide range of people. We had everything from a pro dancer to a not like an older gentleman, like being 60s, 70s, I'm not gonna guess his age. But Melissa brought the energy to the point where like everyone was bringing their best selves. So it was so much fun because everyone was like, Well, whatever, I'm just gonna go ahead and do this and embrace whatever dance this is. And everyone, honestly, everyone did really well.

SPEAKER_01 41:30

I wasn't everyone killed. That was like one of the most fun privates I've ever done. Like that was the last.

SPEAKER_00 41:38

I think that was my favorite team builder that I've ever done. And we I so this is just a fun fact. We actually did it at our holiday party, and it was like everyone's like, you guys need to do the dance, you guys need to do the dance, and we're like, well, okay. And we did it twice. We did it twice because the first time nobody was filming, and they're like, Well, you guys gotta do it again to film it for proof. So it was just so much fun. With this, what advice would you give to others to bring that energy or that mentality to their day-to-day life?

SPEAKER_01 42:11

Okay, okay, so this is actually funny because it's something that I say in class all the time. And it's also something I just recorded like on our tips video for the vibe platform. I have this thing, it's called a mantra. Okay. So right when you're about to perform, what people often do, so when we do my when I say when you're about to perform, I mean like if we're in class and we're going to small groups and you're performing for the other people in the class, right? What so many people do is when the music comes on and you're waiting for the cue, is in your head, you'll go like, oh God, oh god, oh god, oh god, here we go. I don't know, oh my gosh, like what's the first move? Like you start to panic, right? Yeah. Um, because other people are watching you. And what I tell people is that eight count or whatever, 10 seconds before the music comes on is the most key way to set yourself up for success or failure. Right. So I tell everybody in class, pick a mantra. So my mantra is I'm a bad B. Okay. That's what I always tell myself. Um, but you can say something like, I am, even if it sounds ridiculous and you're like, this might not be true, I'm the best dancer in the room. I'm, you know, confident, I'm sexy, I'm whatever, I'm, you know, whatever it is, right? I just tell everybody pick something to tell yourself. And that is the only thing in your brain before you start dancing. Okay. And so what I tell people at the end of class is I say, and it's funny because you watch everybody just transform after they their mantra, and that's what they're telling themselves, right? Um, because if we're telling ourselves negative things all the time, even if it's just fear, even if it's just like, ah, oh my God, I don't know it, like that, like, then how How are you expecting to get it right? You know what I mean? To do what you want to do. So my perspective on it is if you can't cheer yourself on, like why would anybody else cheer you on? I tell everyone at the end of class, I'm like, take this mantra with you for the rest of the week. Like, so until I see you again, whether it's a presentation at work, whether it's, you know, a big meeting, or you know, you're making a sales pitch, or you're talking to your parents about something, or your friends, like whatever it is, um, when you start to feel uneasy, tell yourself that mantra, right? Over and over and over and over and over. So anytime a negative thought enters your brain, you're combating that with something positive. And eventually it's gonna be just like more positive stuff, right? Um, so that's really like the biggest piece of advice that I tell people. And I I think people do it. I hope they do. I've gotten a couple of tags that's like, this is my mantra for the day. Um, so that's like really my biggest piece of advice because I come off really confident, but it's only after years of practicing that, right? Like I was, I mean, even when I said yes to like my dance class, I was not confident. I was like, no one's gonna come to this. Um and so I mean, and that was I think 2018, maybe. So it's really been the past couple of years, like of just constant telling myself, like, you got this, you can do it. And when that doubt starts to creep in, be like, no, you're a bad bitch, Melissa.

SPEAKER_00 45:32

Yeah, it's I I love that. That's great. And that's a great mantra. And I like how simple it is. Like, it's not a complicated situation or methodology to apply. It's literally come up with a mantra, say to yourself when you're feeling unsure, uneasy, whatever it is to make yourself confident, and then go for it.

SPEAKER_01 45:54

Yes, 100%. Oh my gosh, yes.

SPEAKER_00 45:56

Ah, Melissa, I've had so much fun talking with you. Um, this year I've started to end my interviews with asking, what is your, if your reader, if what is your favorite book recommendation for the audience?

SPEAKER_01 46:13

So the reason I'm laughing is because I'm like a big fantasy nerd. So, you know, right now I'm reading Star Wars Master and Apprentice. So I have no contributions for mental health books or like things that will enrich your day-to-day life.

SPEAKER_00 46:34

I think Star Wars could enrich a day-to-day life. You never know.

SPEAKER_01 46:38

I mean, especially right now with the world. I'm like, everybody needs a little escape. So um, that's what I'm reading right now. But if you're looking for um kind of a way to change the way you look at things, like especially with what we were talking about earlier, fear, resentment, ego. Um, Eckhart Tolie a New Life is a really good book. Um, and there's an audio book and a podcast for it too. So that's where I would start.

SPEAKER_00 47:01

Okay. Great. I love Eckhart Tolle. He's awesome. So good. Yeah, so good. Well, again, it was so much fun having you on. I loved our conversation. It was so applicable. And I can't wait to go to your dance classes in person. But until then, I will plan on doing some virtually. I'm so excited.

SPEAKER_01 47:20

Good. Oh my gosh, thank you so much for having me. This has been a Bolarist.

SPEAKER_00 47:25

Thanks for listening to another episode of Lead Into It. If you enjoyed this episode, it would mean a lot to me if you would leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify to help future listeners. If you want to learn more about the podcast or me, go to leadintoit.co, that's leadintoit.co. Thanks again.